


why would you ever kiss me (im not even half as pretty)

by demifool



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck is a Good Friend, Alters, Break Up, Break Up Text, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Has OSDD - Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative System, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OSDD, Post-Break Up, Systems, Unhealthy Polyamory, Unhealthy Relationships, breaking up, other specified dissociative disorder, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25717648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demifool/pseuds/demifool
Summary: Connor isn’t an idiot. He knows there’s been… issues between them, recently. He knows what’s about to happen.the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:01 pm: i’m breaking up with you! surprise!---In which Connor has to deal with the aftermath of a breakup, featuring unhealthy polyamory, unfair sharing of blame, and walls crashing down.(Also, he has OSDD.)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy (Past)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	why would you ever kiss me (im not even half as pretty)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a vent fic which means it's super self indulgent. including the connor having osdd thing.  
> (if you dont know what osdd is, it's similar to DID. a dissociative disorder that results in multiple personalities, or alters, caused by repeated childhood trauma. i encourage you to do your own research, since im by no means an expert in the subject and dont think i should be your only source of education on it.)  
> his system isn't 100% based on mine, but some of his experiences are?? but notable differences are: my system doesn't have many amnesia barriers, especially not strong ones. we're also very fictive heavy, and are generally a large system. connor in this fic only mentions two fictives, and he has a really small system compared to mine and other systems im friends with.  
> for reference: the alters mentioned, in order, are tomura (he/him), a fictive from bnha who walks the line between protector and persecutor; alex (he/him), a protector; victoria (she/her), another protector and a big sister figure within the system; caroline (she/her), a caretaker and a mother figure within the system; and shinso (he/him), another bnha fictive who hasn't been there long enough to truly know his role.  
> but ANYWAYS here's the fic, enjoy  
> (2k words, 7 pages)

Connor hates coming back into front after being out for a few days.

His eyes take a second to adjust, and he takes note of what he can feel and hear as they do.

Their phone is in his hand. His neck is sore, probably a result of Tomura being the one in front for the past few days. He isn’t wearing his jacket, just a slightly baggy black long-sleeve. He does have his favorite jeans on, at least. 

_ I Wanna Get Better _ is playing on speaker, one of the songs from his personal playlist. Probably what Tomura used to get him into front.

His eyes finally focused, he looks down at his phone screen. A text conversation is opened, and he immediately recognizes it as their conversation with Jared. (The Hello Kitty meme set as his icon, alongside the name being “the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman”, makes it obvious.) 

He swipes up, pauses his music, and reads over the last few messages.

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 12:46 pm _ : can you get connor?

_ rose.system, 12:47 pm: _ why

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 12:47 pm:  _ i need to talk to him. soon, please.

_ rose.system, 12:49 pm: _ we’re busy. later.

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 12:49 pm: _ just, tell me when.

_ rose.system, 1:36 pm: _ do you still want us to get him

_ rose.system, 1:38 pm: _ jared

_ rose.system, 1:47 pm: _ stop wasting my time, do you want me to get him or not

_ rose.system, 1:49 pm: _ just let us know when you’re back. we won’t get him til then.

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 1:55 pm: _ fuck sorry, i’m back

_ rose.system, 1:56 pm: _ do you want us to get him. 

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 1:56 pm:  _ please.

The time at the top of his phone screen now reads 1:59. 

Connor isn’t an idiot- he knows why he was asked to front. He knows there’s been… issues between them, recently. He knows what’s about to happen. 

He pushes down the nausea beginning to build and types out a message, hitting send.

_ rose.system, 2:00 pm: _ hey, it’s connor??

He doesn’t have to wait too long for the response.

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:00 pm:  _ hey. so let me start with this: ive thought about this, im 100% serious for once, and no, i wont talk about it.

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:01 pm: _ i’m breaking up with you! surprise!

Connor sucks in a breath. Okay. More direct than he was expecting, but then again, this is also the person whose first time really talking to him was to comment on his hair being “school-shooter-chic.” 

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:01 pm: _ i wrote this entire like, two page long document on why, but honestly i dont think i need to send it lmao

He doesn’t see the three dots pop up again, so he takes the chance to respond. His hands are moving much slower than he wanted. 

_ rose.system, 2:03 pm: _ i’m not really surprised. i know i fucked up, and im sorry. even if apologies won’t really do anything at this point. 

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:03 pm:  _ cool. 

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 2:04 pm: _ feel free to cut contact. i mean, obviously there’s still school, but tbh? as cool as ur alters are i dont really want to stay friends with you, you kinda fucked me up. im done. we’re over.

Connor glances up to the top right of the conversation, where an orange dot tells him that they’re no longer friends on here anyways. Tomura must’ve sent a request that’s gone unaccepted.

_ rose.system, 2:04 pm: _ i’ll talk it out with them. again, i’m really sorry. 

With that, he sets his phone down. Face-down. He ignores the buzzing indicating a reply.

He runs his hands gently against the scabs on his neck. He’s been out of front for days, ignoring this, trying to delay it. No point, really. He knew it was coming. He’s known they were nearing the end of their relationship for a few weeks now. He’d picked up on it a long time ago.

Really, it’d started with small things. He didn’t really think much of it. Messaging asking if he wanted to call, only to get a simple “on call with evan” in response. Which was fine, really. He didn’t mind much.

Until the next time they called, and Jared left when he said Evan wanted to call. That’s when Connor had first noticed the double standard.

But it was nothing, right? 

Until it’d just gotten worse. Jared was taking longer to respond to his messages, he wasn’t being as affectionate, it was just… so  _ obvious. _

Jared had two hands, but he was pulling one from Connor to hold both of Evan’s. 

It hurt. He couldn’t deny how much it hurt.

Even still, this? “We’re over.”

He couldn’t tell if it hurt more.

  
It just didn’t feel real.

\--- 

He was avoiding Jared at school now.

A glance from across the cafeteria, maybe. Looking at him at the front of the class from his seat in the back, sometimes.

But it was easier to avoid.

  
He couldn’t stand sitting at the same table as him now. Seeing him casually hold Evan’s hand on the table, occasionally jokingly hand-feeding him a grape or a cheese cube. Small, dumb forms of affection.

Small, dumb forms of affection that made Connor want to scream.

So he resorted to the library. Hid in a back corner where the librarian couldn’t see him and yell at him for eating in the library. 

Occasionally, when they were in the same class together, Connor would find himself dissociating. He could remember the lessons, but they were incredibly blurry. He could tell the body was doing things, but it wasn’t him.

When he managed to ground himself again at the end of class, he’d find the work from class done, sometimes even the homework, in handwriting similar but not quite matching his own.

In the margins, he’d find notes. Gentle encouragement from whichever alter had fronted for the class.

He had to erase them before he turned in the work, but he did his best to internalize the words.

Alex would leave notes along the lines of “fuck the bastard, he doesn’t deserve you.” Victoria would leave “i can beat him up for you if we’re all okay with taking the punishment.” Caroline would leave much more gentle notes. “Tomorrow will be better,” “I’m proud of you,” “you’re doing the best you can.” (Tomura didn’t front at school, but he was supportive from headspace.) 

He appreciated the notes, but he still wished he could front and actually learn the lessons for once, instead of having to rely on blurry memories. 

\---

He and Alana weren’t really  _ consistent _ in hanging out. Usually, they only saw each other when Alana came over to spend time with Zoe. But Connor did finally find it in him to ask if she could help him study a week after the breakup.

So here he was, laying on her couch, shoes abandoned on the floor next to it. Alana’s words mostly washed over him, in one ear and out the other, as he stared up at the ceiling.

He did, however, notice when the words stopped.

“Connor? Is it still you, or…?”

He snapped out of it, looking over at her. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

She set down the packet in her hands, giving him a worried look. “You’re really out of it today. Is everything alright?”

He was quiet for a moment, pulling his eyes away and shifting from his laying-down position to sit, feet on the ground. He stared down at his socks, a pair covered with various cats that he remembers Jared convincing him to buy.

“Jared broke up with me,” he says, quietly. 

Alana’s first response is just a quiet “oh.” The room stays quiet for a few more moments before she adds on, “I’m sorry, Connor.”

Connor hates crying. He hates being sad. He much prefers burying it in anger, not letting anyone close enough to see him vulnerable. (Jared was the first exception to this rule.)

But in Alana Beck’s living room, with textbooks and study packets abandoned on the coffee table, and those stupid fucking cat socks on, Connor can’t hold back the sobs that wrack his body. Even knowing that a large portion of their issues had been his fault, and even then, that Jared had been pulling away and making the polyamory Connor had consented to slowly but surely become unhealthy, he can’t stop crying. 

Alana doesn’t touch him. She asks, and he shakes his head. So instead, she kneels in front of him, gently trying to lead him through it. 

“It’s okay, Connor. Deep breaths, okay? Can you try to follow me? In… out. In… out. Yeah, like that, good job.”

The tears slowly but surely fade. Connor’s legs stop shaking, his breaths stop coming in uneven.

He doesn’t have time to enjoy the washed-out, clean feeling that comes after crying. He wipes the tears from his cheeks, and before he’s even done, he feels everything getting blurry. 

He hears Alana ask, “Connor? Are you alright?”

He feels his mouth move and hears his voice say “We’re switching, give us a minute.”

He can’t remember the rest of the study session.

\--- 

Alana says he didn’t miss much, but he’s stuck staring at the test. He can almost reach the information he needs, but whoever fronted has a strong amnesia barrier. For once, it’s too blurry to get  _ any _ information out of. 

He sighs, scribbling random lines on the side of the paper as he tries to remember. 

He feels his phone buzz, and, once he looks up to make sure the teacher is sufficiently distracted by… whatever he’s doing on his computer, he slips it out of his jacket pocket.

There’s a single notification. 

_ Message from the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman _ .

They haven’t talked since the breakup.

He looks up. Jared isn’t looking back at him.

He opens the message. 

_ the.insanely.cool.jared.kleinman, 10:43 am:  _ alana told me u left front for a good part of ur study session, so. cold war was 1947-1991, causes are tensions from ww2, ideological conflict, nuclear weapons and anticommunism propaganda in the us. thats all the answers im giving u tho.

Connor gives a small smile before responding.

_ rose.system, 10:44 am:  _ thx

\---

He still fails the test.

And it’s not like that one tip fixed anything. Connor is still avoiding Jared, and Jared hasn’t changed his mind on not being friends. Not that Connor can blame him.

It’s going to take a lot longer than a week and a half to get over Jared. Connor’s begun to accept that.

But the notes from his alters (including a new one, Shinso, since the universe decided that one My Hero Academia fictive wasn’t enough), the support from Alana, and the general acceptance that it wasn’t really a compatible relationship on either side… doesn’t really make it better, but it makes it easier to accept. 

It still doesn’t quite feel real. But Connor’s slowly accepting it, and slowly accepting that it was for the better.

Connor Murphy is going to be okay, with or without Jared Kleinman.

And from the way Jared holds Evan’s hand underneath the lunch table, Connor’s sure Jared will be okay too.

Evan was Jared’s priority. Connor’s accepted that, and accepted that it was unhealthy. Connor has also accepted that he was at fault and has things he needs to work on. 

Either way, it all comes back down to compatibility.

Connor Murphy and Jared Kleinman were incompatible. 

Jared Kleinman has someone else as a higher priority, and Connor Murphy has issues he needs to work out.

(Besides, their aesthetics would’ve clashed. Just another incompatibility.)

So Connor stops trying so hard to avoid Jared. He starts sitting with Alana at lunch, instead of hiding in the library. He ignores messages sent thinking an alter was in front. He starts learning to move on.

He starts learning to be better.

Connor Murphy is going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed, i might write more fics from this specific universe bc i kinda want to expand a bit more on the rose system (connor's system, if it wasn't obvious) and the alters in it, plus i dont write about characters with did/osdd a lot.  
> im not really looking for critiques on how i write the rose system personally, but if youre also a system and there were any major flaws you noticed feel free to lmk. if youre not a system please do not.  
> again, hope u enjoyed. thanks for reading.


End file.
